15 3 / 2012
So, I watched Bridesmaids last night at my bf’s house. I’d seen it in theaters (twice, as he reminded me), and I liked it just as much a third time around.
I think what I liked most about it was Kristen Wiig’s character, and her story arc. Shit is really shitty sometimes, you know? There aren’t two ways about it. But I think that more often than not, at a certain point you realize that you’re the one making it shitty (or at the least, shittier for yourself.
In the movie the hilarious and adorable Sookie from Gilmore Girls (sorry, I don’t know her name and I don’t really feel like looking it up) literally smacks her back down to earth, telling her to fight for herself, fight for her life and dreams. And to stop feeling so sorry for herself, because she had friends and people who considered her more than worthwhile all around her; she just wasn’t seeing it.
I think that I’m the sort of person who could use those reminders (or maybe just hire Sookie to be my no nonsense friend) more than others. I tend to get bogged down in feeling sorry for myself, or feeling like I’m the only one who “goes through things”. By “goes through things”, I don’t really mean I think I’m the only one who gets sad or has problems. On big issues I’m usually pretty empathetic and positive. It’s the little things, the day to day things, that really catch up with me.
Long day at work, topped by class? I often can’t be bothered with asking my parents, boyfriend, or friends how their days were. I want to bitch to them ad nauseum, but I don’t want to really hear about their own experiences (save for the cursory “it was fine”). Feeling tired on the weekend, or got yet another cold? No second thoughts about canceling plans with friends.
I simply don’t woman up enough. I’m going to be 27 in September, and I’m just finally getting to a stage in life where I feel happy with where I’m at. I know there are a lot of parts I want to build on, but many of the foundations have at least been laid.
I guess what I really feel like is that it’s not even so much that I’m bad at taking care of others (in some ways, in others I’m very good at it), it’s that I’m bad at self- care. Self- care is where it all really begins. If you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t reasonably expect anyone else to (again, there are exceptions to this), and you certainly can’t take care of others. Every time I cancel on someone, disappoint a friend, or visibly upset my parents (when they have not provoked me), I am hurting myself. When I skip class, miss a deadline, phone it in at work, I am hurting myself.
I’m not talking about being SuperWoman or anything, I’m just talking about holding myself to a code of honor, I guess. I have to honor myself, and honor others as well. There’s a great phrase that goes something like “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a terrible battle” that I feel really rings true lately.
I’m going to trail off here, because I can feel this getting rambly and off topic. But Bridesmaids is worth a watch! Even if you don’t get anything deeper out of it, it’s still a funny and sweet movie.
14 3 / 2012
!!
I have a donut.
I have coffee.
I’m just like Coop!!
Minus the mystery solving.
13 3 / 2012
Oh, and
I’m also interested in that awkward moment. You know, the one where you’ve been cleaning all day, and your hair is in an awkward topknot, you smell like Windex and sweat, and 3 day old pajamas. Your nose is running, you’re still pouncing on specks of dust and tiny crumbs of old food like they owe you something.
You know you should shower.
You owe it to yourself to shower.
But you might just watch another back episode of Grey’s Anatomy instead (the George and Izzie thing has gone from a taboo subject of disgust to one of my favorite relationships in the series, for me), and text some more.
13 3 / 2012
Some Things
Some things that interest me.
- Writing
- Reading
- Cats
- Makeup
- The juxtaposition of really pretty women doing really strong things
- Why that is even a juxtaposition in my mind
- Managing my hair
- Being a preschool teacher and how my stress level affects my work
- Nail polish and what the “nude colored” nail represents to me
- Bodies
- Food
- Bodies and food
- Boundaries in relationships
- Relationships in general
That’s really all I can think of right now. These are just some topics I want to write about, to remind myself to write about.
13 3 / 2012
Sad
Today is a sad day. It marks the day that I learned through the vast expanse of the Internet, that CallOutQueen, Mark Aguhar, died. Apparently she killed herself.
I cannot claim to understand anything that trans people (or homosexual people, or people of other races) go through. As a cisgendered, femme, traditional looking Caucasian girl, many doors are open to me. I do not suffer indignities on a daily basis for simply wanting to go through life as myself. But she did.
As a human being, the world can be hard to navigate. You want to push up against the unseen boundaries that surround you, you want to participate in the world fully. Sometimes you feel slammed down, and beaten down. The world will take you in and break your heart and sometimes not even bother to get to know you first.
These undercurrents of hurt. They’re invisible. They’re hard to describe. We all carry them around, regardless of who we are.
I don’t really know what I’m trying to say. Maybe just that Mark touched people she probably had no idea she was touching, and her loss resonates with the world on such a deep and inexplicable level. She will be missed by so many.
RIP CallOutQueen.
07 1 / 2012
New Year, New Post
Heeeeey, Tumblr. I can’t say I totally forgot about you, because I read other people’s tumblrs daily, but I’ve definitely neglected you. And for that I’m sorry! But, I’m here now to recap 2011!
Overall, 2011 was a pretty sucktastic year for me. There were definitely some high points, but in general I was not a fan. It started out weird, turned plain bad, and then got worse. Right at the verrrry end, it got really good- which I’m hoping is a sign 2012 is going to be better (or at the very least, not as bad).
In 2011 I…
- Learned it’s possible for me to hit new “all time lows” in my personal behavior (ie. what I’ll let people do to me, the behavior I’m willing to put up with, and the behavior I can dish out to others.)
- Slacked off a huge amount in school and instead chose to put all my energy into manning a sinking ship.
- Boated said ship into the ground with the help of my very capable and willing first mate.
- Drank a lot.
- Smoked a lot.
- Felt paralyzed with doubt/anxiety/sadness/fear/confusion a lot.
- Took a lot of undeserved shit.
- Blamed people (specifically any other people but myself and the one other person causing my unhappy feelings).
- Lost a good friend for reasons out of my control.
- Lost a lot of weight because I was stressed and unhappy and unable to keep foods in.
BUT, in 2011 I also….
- Learned some valuable lessons about letting go of dead weight.
- Learned that I have a bigger heart than I thought I did.
- Fell in love with someone after a long long time of keeping them at bay.
- Learned that people will really help you if you let them, and that I’m capable of helping others through their emo drama as well.
- Turned my academic life around with a great final 2011 semester.
- Got a job.
- Got a 2nd job.
- Got set to graduate (barring any other crises, disasters, Mayan predictions coming true) in May.
- Learned about Emergen-c’s deliciousness.
- Quit smoking. (!!!)
- Gained back some of the weight I lost (which Krystle referred to as my “happy weight”).
- Made up with Michelle, who was sadly the recipient of a lot of my anger.
- Got real about how crazy my hair was and found a stylist willing to thin the hell out of it (like literally 2 cats worth of hair on the floor after she was done with me style).
- Got a lot of new clothes, including my awesome new boots that I love clomping around in.
It was a real up&down year. I’m looking forward to some smoother sailing in 2012. I can’t wait to be done with school, and I’m really excited about having these jobs. Through them I’ve done good work, met at least one really awesome new friend, and I’m not bored at either job (you cannot put a price on that).
I know this blog post is not cool, or as snarky as I usually am, but it’s really honest. I don’t want to be a sad sack about 2011, nor do I want to underemphasize its effect on me. It happened, and there are times it still gets me down, but I learned from it all, and I think I did a good job putting things back together.
In case this was all too trite and lame, I will leave Tumblr with a funny picture.
— on my next post because I don’t know how to add pictures in omgomgcomputerilliterate.
04 10 / 2011
I almost forgot another IMPORTANT THING. I gave my cat a bath today. Poor BH hates my guts now. But for reference, here is a picture of us in happier times!
04 10 / 2011
Hrmm.
Today in my English class my teacher brought up the subject of “economic wording”. The largest amount of subtext with the smallest amount of actual text.
This got me thinking of all the ways I’ve said, and heard, so much from people using so few words. All the big sentences, all the important ones, don’t really take that long to say. And I’m afraid that they don’t take that long to think of, either.
“I love you.” ”I hate you.” ”Be with me.” ”It’s over.” ”Move in with me.” ”I can do this.” ”I can’t do this.”
It’s sad and it’s true that most people (including myself, a lot of the time) don’t think carefully before the words have popped out of their mouths. Even in text messages, where you have to literally type out what you want said, it’s easy to fire off 20 3-word-heartbreakers in 10 minutes. In fact, it’s easier because you don’t have to see anyone’s sad little face while you do it.
I’m going to choose my words more carefully from here on out. I think it’s something everyone should do. It’s easy to say something, but it’s hard to take it back. And I’m tired of taking things back.
